I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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