Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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