Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
