all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
