Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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