...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
