wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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