Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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