haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
