Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
