The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
