so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
