You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
