Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
