69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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