I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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