I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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