her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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