I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize