The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
