Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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