I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
