I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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