Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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