He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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