if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize