More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize