There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
