Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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