Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
