I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize