She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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