mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
