You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
