is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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