I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
