o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
