I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
