Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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