I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
