Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
