i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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