whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
