You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
