Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
