remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
