youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
