im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
