I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
