i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
