Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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