i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
