Whoa Z and x make the same sound
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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