capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
