"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
