i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am naked and annoyed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
