i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
