hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
