My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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