I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize