i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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