she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
