You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
