Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize